Here i am

Here i sit all fat and wise, i must be in an old man disguise. I did not think life would be like this, my world, i sure do miss. My headaches, they come and go, my belly fat can surely grow. What i miss about my life, besides sitting with my lovely wife. I miss the things i use to could, I sit and wonder, did i wonder? Now that all the excitement has all but passed, all my family has gone back home. It does not matter, in my head, i am already alone.

Happy Days!

No not the T.V. series, but what a hoot that was. i've been trying to be more acive lately and it's pooping me out! ugh! Oh well, i have to keep chugging along. Lately the hallucinnations have been coming back or more like not knowing the difference between dreaming and real life. Go ahead laugh, i am sure you all think it cant happen, but let me tell you it does! Robyn and Kevin stoppped by the other day un-announced, no they didn't really, but in my world they did, i hear the chuckles. Staying on topic during a conversation is getting more difficult. So, you say, Chad< how can you write about this stuff if you don't remember it. There are a couple of ways, one being the most likely is that i am reminded of it happening, two, after an un-specified time, i actually remember. I sometimes know i know the answer to the question, but in order for the answer to process, i have to ask the question again. I am Happy today.

lazy

I have not been doing my duty of blogging lately so im going to try and catch up. Last month i went to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota for further test and studies to nail down my prognosis. I had several reservations about it for many reasons. My current doctors are very educated and knowledgable about my disease. I am really tired of being a guinea pig. But, i was hoping to, well lets just hoping. I am not sure what i was hoping for, but i often believe if it was not for hope, what we would have? Answers? Solutions? The Mayo clinic is an extrodinary place, from the underground subways one to two stroies undergound to the skyways three to four stories above it. all of these transportation modes linked many, many buildings together from a mall to a hospital to research dept.s to restaurants oh my! red lobster was there, quiznos, coffee shops, cafeteria and so on. I would say 98% of the people we encountered from information booths to coffee baristas to the medical staff on all levels were outstanding. The best way to describe this place is to go and see it. Online pictures are great, maps are fine, but to actually be enveloped into this mass organized hysteria and to consider all of the people this place helps, is truley remarkable. Thank you Mayo clinic.

The Hairy Girl- is that a real memory?

I have been remembering a lot of little things lately, and I wonder sometimes if I am remembering or am I just remembering a story someone told me. How do we really know. If someone told us and we remember it, does that make it less a memory? Like the games we used to play as kids. I remember sometimes I would play by myself cuz Misti and Chad didn't want to play Barbies, they wanted to play more physical games. That was ok. I was listening to them talk about some of the stuff they used to do and I had no memory of it what so ever. I really wasn't there. I was off by myself while they were on their adventures. That was ok then and it is still ok now. We still have plenty of memeories to go around. Chad and I went on a "vacation" with Mamaw and Poppie. I have mentioned it before. It was a two week long journey into....well it was a journey. Plenty of laughs, plenty of omigosh not Shoney's again. One of the places we visited was Cypress Gardens in Florida. It was a beautiful if not very touristy "garden"/Lots of beautiful plants, flowers, and some animals. But what I remember most is the "hairy girl". The place was full of young ladies who were dressed like southern belles. They were everywhere. Mamaw and Poppie were quite insistent that Chad have his picture taken with one of the pretty ladies. So they sort of made him go up to one and ask for a picture. Or they asked her, not sure on that. Anyway, she was sitting on a bench and Chad went behind her for the picture. "Smile", I'm not sure if you could actually call it a smile...lol! When he came back over to us, I asked him if she was pretty and he said, not really, just 'Hairy'...hairy? Yes, she had hair all over her back and shoulders....I laughed so hard I thought I would pass out. This could only happen to one of us of course, leave to Mamaw to pick the hairy girl, right?!! laughing still...was that a real memory?.....I do believe it was.

Christmas and stuff..

What is Christmas? The birth of our savior foremost. Of course we know that it is not the actual day he was born, but its the day we celebrate. I remember many Christmas Eves from childhood. Some good some not so good. It seemed back then it was all about Santa. Little creepy now to think about someone watching you, "he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you are awake". Today we would get a restraining order for our "stalker". I mean its just not right, right? I prefer to believe in the spirit or idea of Santa. Someone who cares enough to leave you presents for no particular reason, seems like a pretty nice guy to me. I think he and Jesus would get along if he was real. I remember we always got to open one present on Christmas Eve. We always hoped we would not pick the box with clothes in it, LOL! So many times when we were kids, Christmas was a toss up and confusing. Some times it was warm and full of laughter, and some times it was just ok. As I have grown up there is not one particular Christmas that sticks out from childhood but there are plenty that do as an adult. For example, my daughter's first Christmas and all the ones that followed. Since Chad has been sick, I tend to look at things a little differently, and though I have always thought its definitely way cooler to give...instead of receive, it seems to be more important than ever. We can't live in the past, its ok to visit it now and then, but if we carry tragedy with from the past with us, it then has the power to define us. Yes, there were definitely crappy Christmas' from a kids point of view. Times when there were not many presents under the tree. But, we were together.

Today

I often smirk when i write. I do get amusement from what i do sometimes. Well most times. My big dog George, gigantor the juju bear, has been eating everything! I have not been at home as much as i have liked so maybe he is seeking his revenge. I think he needs puppy prozak. The great debate is spiralling in my mind. I now have a confirmed diagnosis as Dr. K would say about my disease. He also kinda said it would be good for me to go to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota because they have actual specialized Dr.s in th field. The trip is going to be in the middle of winter in Rochester Mn. with an average of 11 in. yes 11 in. of snow in that month. They often already have 48 in. on the ground. I researched it. But, outside of the weather why should i travel and spend so much money to travel when my Neurologists has given a confirmed diagnosis. I hate it when i repeat words. I have to be there for up to a week. What about the dogs, Tanner, basketball? Cheryl says yes, i know i am repeating myself maybe the ycan give us some more insight, answers, something. Right now i think its a waste of time. But what do i know?If you read this let me get your opinions. I am in search of an outside opinion.

WOOOHOOO!!!

Turkey Day!!! Who doesn't love it? Long road trips, over crowded transportation, the stench of someones lack of personal hygeine. Over eating over staying! Now when given any one holiday to choose why is it turkey day rated either at the top or close too it? One could speculate. Given the amount of sports on the tele. staying home could become an honest decision to determine as acceptable. I come from a family that is close mainly on holidays more so on the BIG ones but getting closer as we grow older. Speculate again. I was thoroughly excited to see my son Joel and my sis and her hubby and daughter, cousin it. We will get to why i call her that later. We had a great visit all of us, the typical growns of everyday, but in all its good to have my family around me. I'll give a shout out to all of family whom i do care for them dearly and wish all of them love and happiness.
Yesterday i visited my neurologist Dr. K. He is a man dedicated to his profession but takes some time to lets say warm up too. I, am usually, happy go lucky easy to get along with, just dont cross the line. This being my 4th or 5th visit with him i think we have gotten to the bottom of my illness or a Confirmed, as he said diagnosis.
y REM sleep disorder along with sleep apnea, the dreams, the parkinsons, diskynesia, broadend gait, hallucinations, mood swings, white matter changes and some i just dont remember "cinches" the diagnosis according to Dr. K. People with my disease do live for up to 7 years after the diagnosis, but for me the question is how long did i go un-diagnosed? Nobody knows. My wonderful wife wants someone to say i am all better or i am not going to die. Facts are facts, we are all going to die, we just do not want anyone to tell us there is an actual time frame for which this is going to happen. I dont want to do, knowingly, however i dont want to die in pain. Food for thought. WOOOHOOO!!!!

Yeah!!!!

My big sis naa naa stopped by with her daughter Tayler. It was a short visit but a very welcome one. My sis Robbie and her hubby and daughter cousin IT! are coming for turkey day! Yeah!!!!! They are going to stop and pick up Joel on there way. It will be a very nice time. I am excited.

Hey there Hootie Owl, you got your ears on?

What?? Is that English? Who is Hootie Owl? LOL! Well, Hootie Owl is Chad. When we were little and living in California, we were in a CB Radio club for awhile. I will speculate that I was in 4th grade. That would make Misti in 6th and Chad in 1st or 2nd. This was of course before cell phones and the internet. Imagine, people actually communicated via talking on a "house phone" OR face to face. Unheard of right?! Also there was the really exciting CB radio. My Barbie corvette had a CB Radio in it. If Barbie had one it was cool..... CB Radio was how truckers communicated, how the police communicated, and how kids who wanted to be in the club communicated. One of the interesting things about it was that everyone had a handle. Misti was Curly Q- cuz the had curly hair. I was Strawberry Girl- cuz I had strawberry blonde hair(that's what they told me anyway) and Chad was Hootie Owl- cuz-.........well no one seems to really remember why. I asked Mom, Misti and Chad and also racked my own brain. I got nothing. Other than Give a Hoot Dont Pollute being a commercial of the day we cannot figure out why Chad chose that handle. It doesn't really matter of course but leads us to a fun mystery of sorts. Maybe he just liked owls....lol! This doesn't seem to be a mystery we will ever solve, it is kinda of fun to remember Roll Call- and hearing things like "hey there Hootie Owl, you got your ears on"? For all you non CB folk, that means "are you there?".

Absent for Awhile

I have not been writing for awhile. I ask myself why not. I have been having problems with my vision which I have been trying to ignore. I need to get it checked. I get headaches a lot especially at the computer. By the way my job is sitting at a computer most of the day. Sometimes its just easier to ignore things. Or is it. Ignoring it isn't going to make the problem I am having any better. Only action and an eye doctor can do that. Ignoring things hasn't really worked out for me my whole life, I am trying to grow and improve on that but sometimes I fall back into old comfortable patterns. I read a quote that I share with some colleagues, I can't remember exactly who said it but it speaks volumes. "We must become the change we want to see". OUCH! You mean there is no easy way for my eyes to get better, for my vision to be 20/20 again. That is so not fair, right? Who is with me? Wait, I'm not with me either. Change is inevitable. What sets us apart is how we handle it. Who we turn to during it, and what we do after it is over.